Deep In His Eyes

I got out of the bed while the sun was still sleeping.I dont know what made me get up, but i slowly moved towards the window and looked out.I tried to find the stars out there in the sky, but they were somewhere lost in the dark. I asked to myself,”Would i be able to watch the sunrise today?”.These thoughts often came in my mind.I looked at my bed, my husband Sameer,was asleep, and so was my little darling daughter Sandhya.I was living a wealthy life with my family, but i have to say this, that there was lack of happiness.There is a saying,’Money can buy everything, but not true love’.Yes, i was married to Sameer, but i could never find the warm feeling of love between us.Its not about sexual satisfaction, its about spiritual satisfaction that you get from a true love, and that was missing.

Early morning, i used to go to the kitchen, make some breakfast for my daughter as well as husband Sameer.After the breakfast, Samir used to leave for his office and drop Sandhya to college.He used to be back around 10 at night, tired. I used to wait for him, and eat only after he has finished eating.But he never praised me for being a loyal wife.He was only interested in making money, more money and more more money.It had been over a year, we hadnt had dinner outside, somewhere in a family restaurant, along with our daughter.How can i expect a candlelight dinner anyways ! I was happy on the outside as i had all what i needed but was not happy inside, because the warm feeling of love was missing inside.

The next morning, i heard someone ringing the doorbell.I asked from inside,’Who’s this?’. The voice replied,’Hey its me, David D’souza..! The postman !’, and i opened the door
David: Hey madam, u have a letter.Please take this and sign over here.
Me- Sign here ?
David:Yeah right! Thank u madam !

I took the letter to my kitchen.It was a registered letter from within the town.I wondered who had sent me that letter.I opened the envelope and the mystery that enfolded it.The handwriting sparkled a memory but i felt too overwhelmed to scrape my past.My heartheat increased,and started flying on butterfly wings.

It wasnt just a letter with ordinary words written on a piece of paper.I could feel those words fluttering over my heart.They were telling the story of my past, the story of my long lost love.

The letter said:

My dear Priya…! How’ve u been ?

Its been so long i havent met u, but there is not a single moment, i havent missed u ! Just yesterday i saw a dream.It was about u and me my love !
I saw my home in the streets of your palm, my destiny in the smiles of your promises, and my shelter in the shadows of your eyes. I treasured all your whispers under my pillow, your fragrance in my breaths, and your name in my ears. Your face still lightens up the sky in the night, your voice still rhymes the rainfall, and your hair still soften the wind.

The sun always rose from the casement of your eyes.

And then, time flew you away into someone else’s world. That sun vanished and ever since I haven’t seen a sunrise.

Life is spending me and I am aging into it. Days keep climbing the mountain of years. Moon drapes its face in the clouds and the night refuses to bring sleep onto my pillow. I fight your memories and defeat myself. The pain-waves of your absence storm through my stale heart and leave it in a vortex.

Life runs like a wheel. The circle starts every morning and ends up late in the night, and then morning appears again. There is no pause, no rest, not even a slight curve to turn into a change.

My face has lived with me for ten cold winters, now I want to feel the warmth of you face. Bring the sunshine of your eyes to me. Meet me while the sun sets this Sunday at the river bridge where days use to meet nights. My eyes will be measuring the passage until you come.

Your love,

Raj….

And just below that was a sketch of rose,most probably made by himself.

The letter ended and made me stand still, at the kitchen, alone with my time faded memories. Raj was my classmate in college days. He lived in my heart and i dreamed his eyes. We had planned to get married after graduation,as soon as Raj found a good job. He went to the united states, to make some money.He left me a promise that he will come back in a year.I had been waiting for him, but he didnt come back.No phonecalls, no messages, no emails, seemed like Raj had forgotten me. The expansion of time let Sameer surface. Sameer was a son of my father’s business friend.He was an elegant and handsome man with a wealthy job and belonged to a rich family. Our parents wanted us to get married.For my father’s happiness, i agreed to marry Sameer. Yes, it was just what a loving daughter would do for her father who was a heart patient. How could i tell my dad, that i am in love with someone else, and break my dad’s heart! so i had agreed to marry Sameer.

After six months of our marriage, me and Sameer moved to Delhi. Sameer established his business there and we also had a daughter after 12 months we had moved to delhi. We named her ‘Sandhya’.Our darling daughter was everything for us.Time passed, i started forgetting Raj. Sameer and my daughter were everything for me.I took a decision, that i will never remember Raj.

And today, after 10 years, a letter came to me like a butterfly carrying on its wings words written in rainbow colours. I had vowed to forget Raj, but why are his memories troubling me ?? I wanted to convince my heart that it was not Raj’s anymore..! I am the wife of Sameer Khanna, not Raj shreevastav. But my heart, why is it not listening to me ??? Is this love ??? No it cant be !! 

I decided i will go to the bridge this sunday, to meet Raj, and tell him that i am not his love anymore..!

Sunday morning, it felt like time was passing very slowly. I had to meet Raj this evening. I was going to tell him that i dont love him,but is it a lie ? Why am i getting this feeling of happiness when i think of him ?? why does his name bring a smile in my face ?? What is it ?? Everytime i thought it was love, i scolded myself that its not love..! I convinced myself that things are not how they used to be. But still…….

The time from Sunday morning to evening was hard to spend. Time clock was snailing out of the day and the sun got hung up in mid air. Wind stopped on the surface of water and the shadows declined to shrink. I wished time was a horse and it passed fast. I wanted time to pass very fast, but it wasnt so fast. I wanted time to fly, but i was crawling. I tried to make myself busy, but my thoughts about Raj didnt let me ! The sun kept glaring at me, all day.Finally the sun lost the battle and started going down.

That evening, Sameer had to go to meet a client and the daughter was busy with her homework.
Me- Kid, i am going out for a while ? Will it be ok, if i come back in an hour ?
Daughter- Ah ok mom !! I am doing my homework right now.But be back soon.Bye mom !

Raj had called me to a bridge nearby. The bridge was getting closer and so was my heartbeat increasing. Sanity had started penetrating my enthusiasm. The eclipse of my memories had started declining. I could see the bridge now. I stopped the car a hundred yards away from the bridge.

Raj was standing on the corner of the bridge, with his back to me. He was looking down the bridge into the running water. I walked for a few yards and then stopped. Raj turned his face towards me. Age seemed to have worn him out. He looked tired as if he had traveled a huge mileage of years. His presence sent no ‘waves of fresh air’ to clean my her heart from the mist of dissatisfaction. I looked at him and thought about Sameer and Sandhya. They are the ones who have been with me since 10 years. They loved me since Raj left me. Sameer was the one who guided me these years. He worked hard for making me and my daughter happy. And my daughter, she loves me a lot. She has always wished her parents to be together. how can i break her heart !!! How can i leave these two wonderful people just for my lost love !! How can i be so selfish !! so foolish !!!!

Me- Raj, u were my past, but i am a married woman now. Look at this ‘Mangalsutra’ !!! And u know what, i have a darling daughter and a loving husband..! They are the most special people in my life. U were my past Raj. I cannot come back to u….I have my present waiting for me, and future, which i need to make beautiful through my present. I cannot let my past hamper my present and upcoming future..No Raj, I cant !!

Raj looked astonished…His face lost all the glow.

Raj- Priya, we were together 10 years ago. Yes i agree, i made a mistake my going abroad and not coming back. I was so busy in making money, that i almost forgot about you. I am sorry. But now, i am back !! For u Priya !!!! Just for u !!!
Me- You just didnt make a mistake, but u left some wounds..The wounds of the past..the wounds because of which i was strongly live with emptiness and loneliness,although i had a family with me….Your thoughts never let me stay happy, how could u be so busy in making money , that u forgot about me ??? U forgot the promises u made, those moments we spent and u never came back….I cannot forgive u Raj..! But i can always wish u all the best in life, and wish u long life, and prosperity. I shall forget the past, just as a bad dream and continue to cherish my present with these wonderful people in my life..Bye Raj ! Bye !!! 

Saying this i ran towards my car and went home…..When i reached home, there was no one. The room was dark and lights werent turned on. I was scared. I shouted,’Sandhya ?? where are u daughter ? why is it so dark in the house ??” I turned on the lights and it was another shock for me !! 
Sameer and sandhya, the two most important people in my life were there, with a cake infront of them which said ‘Happy Anniversary !’. It was a strawberry cake, which was my favourite and there were edible flowers around the cake and in the bottom was written, “Sameer+Priya”.

Tears came out of my eyes. I had completely forgotten that it was our anniversary, but Sameer remembered. I realised that love is not about showing the other one how much u love him/her, but its about fulfilling your responsiblities as a lover. Sameer never showed his love in the form of romantic objects, but his eyes were telling me every moment that he loved me..!!

Sameer- Honey, i have always been a very busy man, and although i am unable to spend my every moment with u, i try to make every moment i spend with u truely special.In these years i have tried to love u in any way i can. I am sorry for the mistakes i have done in these years and i promise u that i will always remain your lover.I will love u no matter what circumstances arise, misunderstandings will never be an obstacle in our relationship as husband and wife.

I couldnt say a word…I was so happy and also regretted that i failed to make these years special just due to the shadow of my past. I promised that every moment from now on, i will dedicate it to my family, my love and i will never let my past disturb my present.
Sameer and me, both hugged each other. It was truely a very romantic moment for both of us. Our daughter whishpered,”I love u daddy and mommy !!” and she hugged both of us.What a complete family !!